The top 10 things I don't want to hear

I'm posting this as a public service announcement. There are several things you don't want to say to a pregnant woman. I'm sure I'll think of more, but here's a start:

1. "You're starting to show!"/"You're really getting big!"/"Your tits are huge!"
Thank you, Captain Obvious. That's the kind of thing you need to say behind my back. I came to the stark realization that my boobs were huge when the lady at Victoria's Secret told me they "don't carry bra sizes that large". The fact that I can still fit into their XL panty is of no consolation to me.

2. "How much weight have you gained?"
If pounds were made out of gold bars, I'd be excited to talk to you all day long about how much weight I've gained. But pounds are not made out of gold bars, they're made out of cellulite. For the record, I have no clue how much weight I've gained because I haven't looked at a scale since July.

3. "You look tiny!"
I don't have a waist anymore so saying that makes you a dirty, filthy liar.

4. "Are you taking pictures of your belly as you get bigger?"
Do you remember sophomore year when that guy broke up with you so you ate a pint of Cherry Garcia every night for a month? I didn't suggest that we photograph your ass.

5. "I see you're breaking out a little."
Thank you for pointing out my acne. We don't own any mirrors and I would not have seen that giant pimple were it not for you. Thank you.

6. "When I was pregnant..."
Are you pregnant now? Then I don't care.

7. "Are you supposed to eat that? I hear it causes autism/mental retardation/blindness"
Do you see me chewing on lead paint chips? No? Then I can eat it. I have read every website, every article, every book on what I can and cannot eat. I'm fine.

8. "Did you hear about the Consumer Reports study where 10 of the 12 infant car carriers failed?"
Christ Jesus, yes.

9. "My friend's friend just had a baby and it was born without hands/with it's eyes in backwards/with it's brain on the outside of it's head. "
I'm all for a good horror movie, but please don't tell me birth defect stories because it'll just make me crazy(er). I had the dream two weeks ago that I was artificially inseminated with monkey sperm and I gave birth to a hairy half-ape baby. I guess if that happened, I could just shave her ("Come here Ellie, let Mommy braid your hair and shave your arms..."), but I really need her brain to be inside her head so keep the scary stories to yourself.

10. "Who is going to be in the delivery room with you?"
Lee and the doctor. Don't even think about asking me for an admission ticket.

Let's go over an example problem. True story - I had this conversation at the gym with one of the members last night:
Girl: Hi Tiffany! Oh my gosh - you are just getting bigger by the second!
Me: Heh heh - yeah, I sure am.
Girl: How much weight have you gained?
Me: I'm not keeping track.
Girl: That's good. I have to go to a baby shower this weekend for a good friend. I'm super excited for her because her first baby died. She had it and then it just died right there in the hospital.

She didn't ask to be in the delivery room with us so I'll cut her some slack. Seriously, a conversation like that happens every day with me. Is everyone getting the picture here?

I'm glad we had this talk.